How can you be disappointed with yourself for discovering that you’re only human? What else did you expect to be? Humans make mistakes—don’t always know the right way to go. It takes a while to figure out how to be human—at least a lifetime, maybe more. You’re just getting started. Forgive yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. You wouldn’t be this hard on your friends. So why be this hard on yourself? What other lesson matters if you can’t learn this one?
-Decide what should be done that day
-Be grateful for this opportunity called life
Yesterday I saw my grandma for the last time. She looked so serene, like to the point where it was really difficult not to think she would just open her eyes and start telling us what a wonderful nap she was having.
She passed away on Friday, in the early afternoon. I got the news while I was at work. Until I got home that night I was really torn up, but when I talked to my mom I learned that Grandma had not died alone; mom had been there with her to the end. She was not in pain, and when the medics attempted to help her, she apparently told them to “just let it be done.” She had come to peace with this. The pain is greatly lessened knowing that she went in this way, and I know that she has great journeys ahead of her in worlds beyond. But I still miss her dearly… Before she had her paralyzing stroke about a year and a half ago, she had been living with my family. The basement apartment was actually split between me and my boyfriend, and her. We saw each other frequently, talked- hung out. She was the one adult in the family who was interested in my Astrological endeavors, and supported and encouraged me in ways I’m not even sure she realized. She often drove me up a wall, it’s true, but never in an overly serious way. I loved her with all my heart.
The mourning process has kind of been a staggered progression over time. When she had her stroke her entire left side was left paralyzed. She was moved from the home and into a nursing home, which already put distance between us, but we all still had the hope of success in physical therapy. But the physical therapy didn’t do any good, and we conceded to the fact that she would be staying in this nursing home. At this point it became clear that grandma would never be moving back in with us, or into a situation where the majority of her belongings would matter, so we cleaned out her apartment and dealt with all the worldly things she had accumulated, whether they were dispersed throughout the family or given to charity. Danny and I became her cat’s new mommy and daddy, and the entire basement apartment became ours. Slowly but surely her absence became normal.
This entire process of letting go got a lot of the grief out early, and in many ways prepared my family for this. But despite all this, her death was still unexpected to me. She was only 65 years old. For some reason I just had it in my head that she would be around when I got married, or when I opened my own Astrological practice, or when (if) I had kids. I always imagined her being there. She has always been there constantly through my life; I grew up with her. I didn’t think I was going to stop growing up with her as soon as I really hit adulthood.
I regret not going to see her more often. The nursing home was far, and I was frequently busy. I even had trouble visiting without the rest of the family in tow, because talking to her actually truly upset me. After the stroke she had lost much of her emotional and empathetic ability, which was a vital part of my grandma’s big, boisterous, generous and loving personality. She became so flat that I felt uncomfortable talking to her. It was so hard to tell if she was really connecting, and sometimes it just didn’t even feel like I was talking to my grandma. It was painful… But I know that she still loved me, and I still loved her, and I should have made time and simply been with her. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel guilt, or remorse, so I’m doing my best to let it go and just take this to heart, to not take life for granted. To make a better effort to let people know I love them every day. But I’m still sad. I miss her so much. I just hope she knew how much she meant to me when she passed.
I love you Grandma Terry. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me, and for this family, and for everyone you came in contact with. You had a heart so full of love and kindness that simply your presence brought others joy. I hope that one day I can spread the light like you did. <3
So recently my financial situation has been… less than ideal, that’s for sure. I’ve had money tucked away from my tax refund to begin classes with the AFA (American Federation of Astrologers) and planned to begin classes once my laptop had been fixed and returned to me.
During my laptopless interim though, it was becoming increasingly apparent that my lack of personal transportation was a problem. I don’t make enough to pay for insurance on top of my other bills, let alone a car. It was looking like I would need to save up and buy a new scooter in the meantime. I kept toying with the idea of using my education money and putting it toward the scooter, since that was the ‘practical’ thing to do, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to pursue my passion and I wasn’t willing to put off my progress any further.
Once I made this decision though, everything fell into place! Yesterday I found out, to my surprise, that after almost two months of repair work (on a vehicle that hasn’t been able to start for about a year) my friend had actually successfully fixed my old scooter! I had written it off as dead, and yet it runs better now than it ever had to begin with!
This was the most elating news I could have gotten; I’m honestly still giddy about it. But to make matters better still, less than 24 hours later, I received my laptop, all fixed and ready to go! I was even informed that I was not expected to pay the money it took to replace the screen, but to consider it a belated graduation gift. (This is a kindness that I am also still giddy over.) I am so blessed, and grateful, to have received all of this at once. It has cleared the path to pursue my studies now, without concern, and I am more than ready to accept this gift! So thanks to the universe, for your aid and encouragement in my goals! I will not let you down. <3